Inner Drama

“The ability to stand back and calmly observe our inner dramas, without rushing to judgment, is foundational for spiritual seeing.  It is the primary form of “dying to the self” that Jesus lived personally…” Richard Rohr

The above quote hit me hard and then sunk deep. There are many things rising to the surface here that I need work on. I want to be present to see. Occasionally, I’m like a child covering my eyes in the scary part of the movie. But I feel gentle hands move mine away. It’s time to see. I don’t like to look. There is sin there. Selfishness. Coveting. Avoidance.  I don’t like it.

I make the panoramic panic look for someone else’s junk I can judge. I feel sorry for myself for a bit. I realize I’m grieving for my Mama. I shake my head. She’s still here, I fuss at myself, Quit.

Then I read the quote. Oh, I see now.

You would think it would come easy. “With a houseful of girls, you must have a lot of drama,” the 28th person says passing. Yes. It’s true. There is drama here in our house.

But, if we’re honest, the most drama in our lives happens on the inside.  There is self-talk. There is cursing of another. There is self-centeredness. There is a working to make the situation reflect our best side. Where is the center after all?

God is at the center, right? Right? (Self-talk)

Jesus seemed to be differentiated from all the drama, and yet he inserted himself into the middle of it. He didn’t shield himself from real people-stuff. He was in the center…not usually with an answer, but with a question. What would be his question for me?

What would be his question for you? Do you find it easy to calmly, coolly step back from your ego and observe what’s really going on inside? Perhaps you just survive. I want to live, we all say. So, let’s do it. Step back. Let’s give our egos a nice pat and tell them to have a seat. We’ll open our eyes and see. Look. Know. There’s good too. This is good. Seeing is good. God is good. Watch the clearing. We have to be part of the clearing.

O, God, make my words a prayer so it’s not me at the center. Make my life open and present. Forgive me. Clear out what needs to be cleared. Thank you for being the Center for all. Amen.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, 

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

 

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3 thoughts on “Inner Drama

  1. Very true. It is so much easier to look at others instead of my inner self. And as a mostly boy mama, let my just say that we have lots of drama too. Sin isn’t a boy/girl issue its a human condition issue!

  2. all the drama on the inside– that has always been me, at least until I began blogging 🙂 now my drama is in me still – but also n the interwebs. Your prayer at the end – I should post on my fridge – and pray it everyday. I hearted this! Thank you for it, and God bless and keep – and keep watch over all of your drama so you don’t have to.

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